The hand had been dealt and after a period of utter barrenness with the opposite sex, the unthinkable might happen and I would get my hole. Feeling that the moment would probably be spent by the time I climbed out of the shallow end to relieve myself, I waited for another one of her monologues on the cosmic nature of the universe, which came every ten minutes, a welcome relief from all the kissing as it gave me the chance to get more beer. My next logistical issue was that I needed a slash; beer will do that to you. Now after a solid four hours of substance abuse, water immersion and having to listen to fairly turgid philosophy, my main doubt was one of performance and indeed my worst fears were realized mere minutes later a I stood limp as a shirt sleeve, naked in front of her, reeking of alcohol and chlorine. As everyone else vaguely made his or her way to a club, we decided it was time for relocation. The second was different. At this point the logistical issues reappeared again. I begrudgingly settled for a classic missionary stance, slightly disappointed that I would be doing most of the work as my physical state was deteriorating at an alarming rate. After a while I had lost a fair bit of interest in the act and had zoned out, reflecting internally at the lawlessness of the whole situation. The international language of being both off my tits and soaking, quickly led to the inevitable as we sloppily kissed in the tepid water as the disinterested bar crowd looked on. Since giving up ton the idea of ever having sex again, the presence of a condom on my person only served as an ironic reminder of my ineptitude. The first seemed obvious, as the absence of a prophylactic weighed heavily on the mind. I belong to the latter category. However, my dong said otherwise. Comparing human beings to lithe, graceful creatures like swans never invokes the wrath of calling someone a hippo or a whale, but as far as gracefulness within the maritime realm was concerned, it became evident that the pool had indeed been the best setting for this liaison. I love all women, big, small, fat, thin, pink, black or purple, however in my fairly limited experience, I had never ventured to a shore beyond stone.