Every guy you've ever met has slid into your DMs 3 minutes later, but unlike Jess, who had one guy slide into her DMs ONCE, you don't need to post a screenshot of it on Twitter for attention. Cowgirl girl on top — The New Hoe The on-top hoe is new to hoe-ing and still thinks it's lit. What your favorite sex position says about what kind of hoe you are A missionary hoe is a hoe on the low by Caroline Phinney Fuck a star sign because if you really want to know what kind of hoe you are, you're gonna have to get straight down to the dirty of it — and that means analyzing your favorite sex position. You can get the deepest penetration from this position, but what you earn in depth, you lose in intimacy. You own two faux fur coats from ASOS, 14 silk dresses and two snake skin clutches that were all paid for by your dad. Standing up — Glitter Hoe The standing up hoe is always wearing body glitter even if it's not called for. You're the only one of your friends who still wears pushup bras un-ironically, and you're always unseasonably tan. We should all try and be more like you, missionary hoe — all hail our beached whale queen. To make up for it, spring for spoons every now and then. Vary up the locations you choose, or switch to doggy from time to — you can have your partner standing and bending over a table — to keep things interesting. Blow Job — The Charli XCX of Hoe-dom You'll head over to his house at 10 pm, pay for the uber yourself, suck him off and then pretend to be okay with it when he don't ask you to stay. You were the first one to lose your virginity in the 9th grade — one month before your best friend — and you haven't let her forget it since, even though you know you only got fingered. When he gets up to use the shower you'll act like he's abandoning you and the moment you two part ways you'll replay every moment of your time together, convincing yourself he's fallen in love with someone else and text him that you "need to talk. You make plans for the "big holidays" like New Years and anti-Valentines Day at least 2.